Confessions of a 21st Century Father
My wife today returned from a 5-day business trip, overlapping a weekend. Despite what some might want to believe, I was not huddled in a corner in the fetal position begging the gods to put me out of my misery. On the contrary, we had a perfectly fine time while she was gone. Although I missed Kari, and I was glad for her to come home, I have no problem picking the kids up, feeding them, getting them to take baths and cleaning their rooms. Moreover, we can have fun together. I’ve been very deliberate about cultivating a fun, close, and mutually respectful relationship with my kids. When Kari was in graduate school, we regularly spent Saturdays on outings throughout the Houston area. I am the member of the household solely responsible for doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. I don’t give it a second thought, and I certainly don’t consider it “helping” Kari. It’s just part of my role as a parent.
As any parent can agree with, there are aspects of parenting I like and aspects that I don’t like. One aspect that I’m surprised to like is when I get to be a “single parent”. Granted, I realize that I would not feel the same if this was more or less a permanent state. Knowing that Kari is coming home soon likely adds to my comfort, but for the 4-5 days that she might not be around much if at all, it’s not that bad. I can call the shots. I can decide the entire parenting strategy for a short period of time. And I can use my time when the kids are otherwise occupied to do whatever I want.
Again, I want to emphasize that this is entirely removed from Kari. She is a wonderful wife and mother, and the kids and I are eager for her to come home. Much longer than 4-5 days, and I’m sure we would all find ourselves in the fetal position.
What really bothers me, however, is the attitude that other people seem to take regarding my temporary “single parent” status. They often ask me how I’m “holding up” or wondering if I’m “pulling my hair out”. They seem to believe that as a man, I have been thrust into a traumatic situation that would break down even the strongest warrior into tears. The worst is when people refer to me as “playing Mr. Mom”, as if a) I don’t do this regularly and b) I’m doing what is inherently a maternal task of caring for my own children. I find this very insulting. I am a parent. I am no less of a parent than my wife, not least of all because of my gender. The only parenting tasks that she can do that I cannot are birth the children and breastfeed them. As remarkable as those tasks are, my children have both surpassed the age when those tasks are necessary, and I am perfectly capable of providing for their physical and emotional needs. Furthermore, I don’t find it all that daunting to do so. Granted, I have been blessed with well-tempered, low-maintenance children, but I can perform the tasks nonetheless.
I know that many people find my situation remarkable because it is in stark contrast to the traditional gender roles that have exists for centuries. Perhaps many fathers would have curled up in the fetal position 50 years ago when faced with the task of being a single parent, even temporarily. (I’ve heard stories about how my great-grandfather almost did just that when his first wife died, leaving him to raise 2 young daughters alone. Needless to say, in that age, he married my great-grandmother ASAP, if nothing else but to provide a mother to his daughters.) But times have changed. Mothers are breadwinners and fathers are caregivers. Gender roles have blurred. Household tasks are no longer assumed to belong to one person or the other. Couples are negotiating how a household is run, rather than assuming that it will always be the way it has always been. This is a good thing. It may require more communication and planning, but it likely leads to more fulfilling relationships and lives. Now we only need to convince the populace that it’s no big deal. Go about your business. There’s nothing extraordinary going on here. Just life as a parent as usual.
